[that's what she's got, too. she doesn't get up, but:]
... That kid. Karma. Found him here earlier this week. Had to pull him out because he was shutting down, and what he said to me when I did was that he didn't want to die.
[Camille looks to her knees. Can't say she was fond of the kid. Can't say she wanted to give him a chance. Karlach was gregarious to a fault though. Maybe better for it.]
He wasn't a bag of peaches, but he was still just a kid. [She swallows, guilty suddenly. She could have at least fucking tried.] I think he had a rough go of it at home, too. A very dog-eat-dog mentality.
I don't - I don't get how anybody could look at him and see him as anything but a baby acting out.
[because camille's right, karlach's pretty sure that he had a rough go of it. she thinks about what he told her about home, about how he assumed everybody would hate him here, too - about how she said she was proud of him once, and he looked at her like he'd never been told that in his life.]
He hugged me. Said thank you, when I said I'd be there for him. He was just a baby.
[thing is, she doesn't expect anybody to - it's not anybody's responsibility. and karlach really shouldn't have made it her own, but she just cannot help herself. she's always loved strays more than anything.
she takes camille's hand, when it settles.]
I just hate that they proved him right. [she says, voice thick.] Gods. If I had a fucking gold piece for every kid in this place that told me they had to be soldiers, and how much they didn't want to be.
You'd be a rich fucking woman. [Nevermind that it's only what, twenty-ish gold? Still far too many.] Nobody came from a happy home, here. It's a nightmare, thinking about what they had to go through.
[And what they're going through now.
Camille gives up. She stretches long and lays out at Karlach's side, facing her with a crestfallen frown.]
None of them deserve it. And...I'm sorry.
[She couldn't see what Karlach saw. Maybe because Karma was a boy. Maybe it's because their own conversation didn't hook her onto his sore spots.
Maybe it's because some kids act out and damn well mean it. She brought one into her home after all. Really believed she could make a difference. Maybe Karlach would have.
Camille can't remember if she ever made things better.]
[it sucks because - karlach did. she came from a happy home, and she wishes so absolutely desperately that she could've shared that with whoever didn't.
when camille lays down, karlach shifts, and makes room for her to curl up properly with her, if she wants. the engine in her chest thuds steadily away, hissing and grinding.]
Thanks.
[she murmurs.]
I'm just... sorry for him. I got my life stolen from me, I don't want it to happen to other people. You all should get to live.
[She does move closer. There's no coffin this time but they're as close as they were before. Camille slings an arm around her and sets her head under Karlach's chin. The difference in size brings to mind men she's fucked in depressive jags. High school seniors shot up like beanstalks while her thirteen year old body bent under their weight.
Her mother, when she was small. Before she gave up on her. Camille presses her nose to the toasted collarbone and smells nothing of home.]
Everyone deserves to live. You deserve to get your life back. And you can.
[for someone as big as she is, karlach is a gentle soul. her touches are cautious at first - seeking permission, trying to make sure that it's okay. but when it seems to be, she's solid and warm. like a fireplace after a cold day out in the snow.
the fire's getting a little difficult to fuel, but she's trying. it's all she can do.]
Maybe. [she says, but it sounds a little placating. like the way someone accepts condolences.]
I don't want it like this, though. Not in exchange for someone else.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w1, FRIDAY
you can find karlach by the horrible nihilism building, staring up at the sky, flat out on her back! hooray!]
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Camille pads up softly. Then she comes to a sit at the woman's side, fighting for the breath to say anything.]
Fuck.
[Well. That's what she's got.]
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... That kid. Karma. Found him here earlier this week. Had to pull him out because he was shutting down, and what he said to me when I did was that he didn't want to die.
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[Camille looks to her knees. Can't say she was fond of the kid. Can't say she wanted to give him a chance. Karlach was gregarious to a fault though. Maybe better for it.]
He wasn't a bag of peaches, but he was still just a kid. [She swallows, guilty suddenly. She could have at least fucking tried.] I think he had a rough go of it at home, too. A very dog-eat-dog mentality.
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[because camille's right, karlach's pretty sure that he had a rough go of it. she thinks about what he told her about home, about how he assumed everybody would hate him here, too - about how she said she was proud of him once, and he looked at her like he'd never been told that in his life.]
He hugged me. Said thank you, when I said I'd be there for him. He was just a baby.
[a goblin of a fourteen year old, but. god.]
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He tried to push Todomatsu into the Pyre. He had a gun. He scratched the shit out of Yuffie's eyes. Maybe cursed, maybe not.
Phantom arms wind around her neck. Hot breath paints her ear with preteen pleas. Come on, 'Mille!
Her head dips away. But her hand drifts. Settles over Karlach's, curling around the edge of her palm.]
Some kids make it hard to love them. Not all of them get to meet people like you.
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she takes camille's hand, when it settles.]
I just hate that they proved him right. [she says, voice thick.] Gods. If I had a fucking gold piece for every kid in this place that told me they had to be soldiers, and how much they didn't want to be.
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[And what they're going through now.
Camille gives up. She stretches long and lays out at Karlach's side, facing her with a crestfallen frown.]
None of them deserve it. And...I'm sorry.
[She couldn't see what Karlach saw. Maybe because Karma was a boy. Maybe it's because their own conversation didn't hook her onto his sore spots.
Maybe it's because some kids act out and damn well mean it. She brought one into her home after all. Really believed she could make a difference. Maybe Karlach would have.
Camille can't remember if she ever made things better.]
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when camille lays down, karlach shifts, and makes room for her to curl up properly with her, if she wants. the engine in her chest thuds steadily away, hissing and grinding.]
Thanks.
[she murmurs.]
I'm just... sorry for him. I got my life stolen from me, I don't want it to happen to other people. You all should get to live.
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Her mother, when she was small. Before she gave up on her. Camille presses her nose to the toasted collarbone and smells nothing of home.]
Everyone deserves to live. You deserve to get your life back. And you can.
[She might.]
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the fire's getting a little difficult to fuel, but she's trying. it's all she can do.]
Maybe. [she says, but it sounds a little placating. like the way someone accepts condolences.]
I don't want it like this, though. Not in exchange for someone else.